Currently cutting myself because of assholes at work making me feel like shit. There’s pretty much a target on my back and feel like if I breathe the wrong way I’ll get yelled at. Excuse me, I sat down once today to chart on my patients. You sat for more than half the day and want to tell me I’m not doing my job…fuck you. Feeling completely worthless. Now to try to hide these cuts tomorrow at work. They wonder why they can’t keep any employees on my unit. I’m pretty close to quitting. Just a bunch of shady bastards…can’t trust anyone. No longer talking to anyone at work. Just going to stay in my own little world.
Depressed again. What else is new. I just want to sleep forever. I’m so worn out. Working at the school as a sub nurse tomorrow even though I really don’t want to. Also had to have a talk to my fiancee about pressuring me with my dieting and how the pressure isn’t helping me with my multiple problems with food. The less pressure I have from others the better. At the rate people are putting pressure on me now I’m either going to end up binge eating everything in my house or going completely anorexic again. I’m trying to have a healthy relationship with food for once in my life and people just don’t understand how hard that is for me. Attempting to distract myself so I don’t self harm.
Came pretty close to killing myself Saturday night. My PTSD and dissociations have been horrible up until that night. I drank a bottle plus some of alcohol. Had a fight with my fiancee about my PTSD moments and contemplating on taking all the pills on my person at that time. I only drank half a bottle of zzzquil. Glad I didn’t make the decision to finish off the rest of my supplies and that I’m still here. God I hate this.
Yes…when people see me now, they always ask where I’ve been and why I just seemed to drop off the face of earth.
Went in to orient for my old high school to be the school nurse sub and didn’t realize how bad of a trigger it was going to be. Upon entering the hallways, I immediately got nauseous, dizzy and on the verge of a panic attack. I honestly thought about just leaving but a stuck through it. I cried the whole way home and now I’m going to cut. I can’t stand feeling the way I do right now. Disgusted.
at most other jobs:
at my job:
I was doubled over in pain from an esophageal spasm today and I didn’t get to go home.
Especially on weekends for my hospital.